I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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