Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.