Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
