I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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