I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
