Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
