Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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