Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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