Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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