it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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