OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
