this just has baby written all over it
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
As shirtless as possible
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
