You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
