Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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