Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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