Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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