The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
