Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
