Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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