I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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