Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
