In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
