Dude my mom stole all your condoms
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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