Cold hands, warm shart.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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