I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
