We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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