So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
