I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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