did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
