he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
