My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
bring money and cleavage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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