she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
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Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
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I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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