It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
