I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
