the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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