Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize