she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
