well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
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and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
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My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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