Farmville is her only friend.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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