I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Randomize
