I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
