last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
