You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
