Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
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They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
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I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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