Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
