I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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