i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
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