k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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