if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
