i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
my poor anus
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
