i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
