No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
