vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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