I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
