shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
